Antinomy
by hardly loquacious
Summary: Definition: antinomy - a contradiction between two statements that seem equally reasonable. In the aftermath of the Bittaker case, Lisbon and Jane are both certain their positions are correct. Unfortunately, they're also in opposition, with no solution in sight. Post-ep to 7.08.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So, I'm sure most people have feelings about 3.08. I definitely do. Almost as soon as I saw it, I pretty much knew I'd be writing fic, if only to sort through my own thoughts. This was not an easy fic. And it is a multi-chapter. I would like to say that while I am not unbiased when it comes to the ending of 3.08, but I have tried to at least be balanced. I hope you enjoy the fic. It picks up right where the most recent episode ends.

xxx

_Definition: antinomy - a contradiction between two statements that seem equally reasonable _

xxx

He watched her out of the corner of his eye as they waited for the FBI elevator in silence.

The silence was not a good sign; in fact, it was almost unbearable.

So he broke it.

"Teresa..."

But he didn't get far.

"If you're about to apologize, I'd reconsider," Lisbon said quietly.

"I wasn't about to apologize."

"Not much point if you don't think you did anything wrong," Lisbon continued, as if he hadn't spoken.

"I was trying to protect you," Jane insisted. "I can't bear the thought of anything happening to you."

Lisbon let out a quiet sigh. "And I understand that, I really do"

Jane couldn't tear his eyes from the woman next to him, trying not to let himself get overwhelmed by the stark sadness radiating off of her. "I know."

"I'm not saying you don't have the right to be concerned, or to..." Lisbon shook her head slightly. She'd known some kind of confrontation about this was inevitable. It always was when you worked the type of job she did. She'd just... she'd never expected him to try and circumvent the issue by simply taking her job away from her.

Jane touched his hand to hers to prompt her.

The brief touch only served to draw attention to the distance between them.

Lisbon closed her eyes for a moment. "I don't want to talk about it right now." She was avoiding the issue, she knew, and it couldn't be avoided forever. But she didn't have any of the right words. Not beyond, "_You honestly think this is okay?" _and _"How could you? Don't you understand?"_ And anyway, forget the words, what was the solution? She didn't have one. Didn't know if she could live with any of the obvious options. She couldn't listen to Jane issue a condition she wasn't sure she could meet, (couldn't hear any kind of confirmation that they couldn't work).

She definitely couldn't cry at the FBI.

Lisbon took a deep breath and opened her eyes. "I _can't_ talk about it right now."

Jane nodded. To be honest, he wasn't sure he could talk about it either, other than to repeat over and over again that he would do anything, sacrifice anything, to keep her safe. Instead, he said, "Let's get out of here."

Lisbon nodded, leaning tiredly against the elevator wall.

Jane watched her anxiously, and tried to ignore the pain in his chest.

The silence was oppressive as they walked to the car. In the parking lot, Lisbon fished through her bag and handed him her keys. Keeping her eyes open almost felt like too much effort on top of everything else. "Here, you can drive."

Jane stared at the keys in his hand. The offer was unexpected, given that he knew Lisbon still generally preferred to drive her own vehicle for all that she often let him drive without complaint. "Is this some kind of a test, or something?"

Lisbon's eyes snapped open. "_What?"_

Jane winced. "I don't know... Sorry..."

He tried not to think about how the simmering anger burning in Lisbon's eyes was actually an improvement over the abject misery of thirty seconds ago.

"When have I ever done that?" she hissed. "When have I ever..."

"I'm sorry," Jane said again, taking the keys.

Lisbon put a hand to her forehead. "I've tried to be honest with you. I've tried to... since we started this. I don't want to play games, I don't want..." God if he thought that she'd be that petty... If they were _that_ broken...

"I know," Jane said, trying to distract her from whatever was running through her head (the thoughts running through his own brain probably weren't much better).

Lisbon met his eyes; Jane could see tears pricking in the corners now. "I'm just exhausted. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep," she pleaded.

"I can drive you home," he promised, suddenly frantic to do something, _anything_ to make it better.

Lisbon took a deep breath, her hands fluttering at her sides, as she resisted the sudden urge to wrap her arms around him, and then maybe thank him, and then shake him, and maybe scream at him for good measure. "Good."

Wordlessly, Jane opened the door for her, letting his hand brush against her back as she slid past him to climb in.

Lisbon lay back against the seat and waited for him to get in and start the car.

A second later, she flicked on the radio to drown out the expanding silence.

xxx

Jane pulled into the driveway, unsurprised when, after retrieving her keys, Lisbon was out of the SUV before him.

He followed her up the walkway, a few steps behind, telling himself he wasn't dragging his feet.

As Lisbon opened the front door Jane realized that he didn't think he could step through it with her. Didn't think he could subject himself to the confines of her house and the crushing quiet bouncing off the walls between them.

Besides, he doubted he'd be sleeping anyway.

"You alright here?" he asked.

Lisbon whipped around, surprised. It hadn't even occurred to her that he might leave. "You're not staying?"

Jane shook his head slowly. "I'm going to take a walk. Clear my head. It's a lovely night for a walk, calm and clear. I'd just keep you up anyway."

"I don't mind," Lisbon whispered. She didn't mind being staying awake with him. Especially not if the alternative was watching him walk away.

"I don't think a lullaby's going to help tonight," Jane told her. He couldn't bear to hear her try and convince him everything would be _fine._

Not that that was what she'd been doing. Not tonight.

Lisbon took a step back, trying to ignore the fresh pain in her chest. "Right, well, are you gonna..." She shook her head, changing her mind; she wasn't going to ask _that, _not after his reaction when she'd asked him to drive them home... well, to her house_._ "I guess I'll..."

Suddenly, Jane felt like the worst human being on the face of the planet. With three giant strides he was right in front of her, his hands on her elbows. "I'll see you tomorrow morning," he promised.

Lisbon nodded once, her eyes on the ground between them. Maybe it was best if he left. Maybe they both needed some space to think. "Sure."

Jane squeezed her forearms in reassurance, trying to get her to look back up at him. "I will."

She just nodded, finally looking up to glance at the sky. "It does look like a nice night."

Jane watched her for a second, momentarily fascinated by the contrast of her hair and her skin in the semi-darkness. "Try and get some sleep."

"See you later," Lisbon murmured, still not quite meeting his eyes, as she slipped inside.

Jane stared at her door for a moment, and tried not to feel utterly helpless.

xxx

Hours later, he was striding back up to the same door.

He'd walked and he'd walked, and in the end he'd just gone in circles.

Moving from, "_He had to take care of her. That was all there was to it_," to, "_No one could fault him for wanting to keep the woman he loved safe, for wanting to protect her,"_ to, "_He hadn't done anything wrong. He would protect her with his life."_

Circling around to, "_He was sorry she was angry, but she'd have to get over that. She'd have to accept that he cared about her."_

And then to_ "He'd do the same thing again. He absolutely would. This time, he'd be sure to protect the women he cared about. This time, that would be his primary concern. He had to protect her."_

To "_He couldn't bear the thought of living without her"._

To_ "He couldn't bear the thought of being without her."_

Finally ending with, "H_e needed to be with her right now."_

So here he was. Outside her door. Jane fished through his pockets for his keys, flipping through the ring until he found one brand-new, still-shiny key with a small metal sock attached to it.

He slid it into the lock, and prayed he'd be welcome.

The house was quiet. Maybe Lisbon had gone to bed. He hoped so. Maybe she, at least, had gotten some sleep.

He couldn't help hoping things.

Locking the door behind him, Jane crept across the living room in the dark.

Maybe things would look better in the morning.

"Jane?"

"Yeah," he replied, moving towards her voice. Reaching the doorway of the bedroom, he could see her sitting up in bed, her silhouette illuminated by the window behind her. "It's me. Go back to sleep."

"Hmm," Lisbon hummed, sleepily. "Y're lucky I remembered that key I gave you when I heard the door open, or I'd have gone for my gun."

All things considered, Jane supposed it was a good sign that she hadn't. "Which one?" he asked lightly.

"The closest one to hand, of course," she murmured, still watching him. She hadn't expected to see him again so soon, but even with the confusion in her brain, she wasn't upset that he'd returned. "What're you doing?"

Jane made his way around the bed, unbuttoning his vest as he went. "Getting changed," he whispered, grabbing the pair of pyjamas he kept at her place from the bottom drawer of the dresser, and giving a silent thanks that she didn't appear to have any intention of tossing him out on his ear, or starting (maybe re-starting) an argument. "Lay down, I'll be there in a minute."

After a moment, he heard her settle. "Good walk?" she asked, her voice still slightly slurred and sleepy.

Jane paused. "It's a lovely night," he said eventually. "I'm just going to brush my teeth."

When he made his way back to the bedroom, Lisbon was quiet. Jane doubted she was actually asleep, thought it was possible. Either way, he was willing to go along with the fiction for a little while.

He slid into the bed beside her, shifting closer and closer until he could feel the movement of her breathing.

Definitely not asleep.

He let his eyes adjust to the darkness, and examined the back of the women next to him. She was curled in on herself, her breathing slightly too sharp to indicate true rest.

Tentatively, he wrapped an arm around her waist.

Lisbon tensed. Then, to Jane's shock, she whipped around and pressed herself against him, throwing a leg over his thigh.

He tightened the arm still wrapped around her, drawing her closer, and feeling her exhale in relief against his chest.

Jane shut his eyes and stroked her back to soothe, counting the breaths until she fell back asleep.

And then spent the next few hours appreciating the feel of her against him.

Until he finally managed to join her in dreamland.

All the while, clinging to the faint hope that things would be clearer in the morning.

xxx

Things weren't clearer in the morning.

How could they be? Nothing had been resolved.

And they were almost avoiding each other. As much as two people could avoid each other when they spent the majority of the day in each other's company.

Luckily, the bureaucracy of the FBI was practically the perfect place to pretend.

They grabbed coffee for each other, discussed potential cases, and joked with their colleagues. But their smiles never reached their eyes.

And at the end of the day, Jane had bid goodbye to a Lisbon determined to work late, and headed for the relative safety of the airstream.

Where his bed felt far too big for the first time ever, because he was climbing into it alone.

As he ordered his body to sleep, Jane vowed to be better tomorrow.

He realized he'd actually fallen asleep when he felt the hands on his chest. He'd had this dream before. Strong, but delicate hands running along his chest and caressing his cheek. Jane moved towards the touch. Then he realized the fingers unbuttoning his pyjama shirt were surprisingly cool, and he could feel her hair tickling his chin, both details dreamland seldom provided.

He opened his eyes to find her face inches from his.

She closed the distance, her lips demanding against his own, as her hand slid through now open buttons.

Wrapping an arm around her waist, Jane tugged her onto the bed.

Which, with her beneath him, suddenly felt exactly the right size.

xxx

TBC

So, this is going to be three chapters (this one is the shortest, but this felt like the best place to break the fic). Next chapter is mostly done. I'm hoping to have all three posted before the next episode, when I'm sure they'll all be contradicted by canon. Because it is this show.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks to everyone for their lovely reviews. I really appreciate them. I'm hoping to have chapter 3 up by Wednesday. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this one!

xxx

Chapter 2

xxx

Jane woke to find Lisbon tangled around him, the two of them wrapped in a comfortable little cocoon of safety.

That changed once they were both fully awake.

Awake, they were stilted and awkward, the rhythm they'd been building for months (if not years) no longer hitting the right beats.

And instead of trying figure out how to deal with it, they were both trying to ignore the evidence.

After all, when a problem doesn't have a clear solution, it's far easier to pretend that the problem doesn't exist, particularly if the consequences to addressing it are unpleasant.

So, by unspoken agreement, they tried to avoid each other, without being obvious.

Their colleagues didn't seem to be too suspicious.

Jane also decided that, in order to avoid the awkwardness of leaving at the same time, today he should be the one to pretend to work late (although, he supposed Lisbon probably hadn't been _pretending_ the evening before) . He was currently searching for any and every reasonable excuse to stay at the FBI.

He needed to stay a little while longer (she'd only left half an hour ago).

Jane walked by Abbott's office, surprised to see the lights half off. The consultant ducked his head in, to find his boss staring out the window.

"Everything alright?" Jane asked.

Abbott glanced around. After a moment he smiled, "It hasn't been an easy week, has it? For any of us."

"No," Jane agreed, stepping into the office.

Abbott quietly set the picture of his wife he'd been holding on the desk in front of him.

Jane felt a wave of sympathy. Being separated from a partner was never easy. "Lena's doing well?"

Abbot nodded, "I think so." He looked at Jane carefully. "It's hard, sometimes, letting people you love live their lives."

Jane went completely still, before he remembered himself. "Yes, it is."

"The separation's harder than I imagined it would be," Abbott admitted, sitting down in his desk chair. "And I didn't think it would be fun."

Jane sat down in the chair across from the desk. He tried to find something appropriate to say, before realizing there really wasn't anything. Not beyond, "I'm sorry."

"Yeah."

"The two of you will get through this, though," Jane said tentatively. "You love each other."

Abbott smiled wryly. "Doesn't always make it any easier."

"But it's an incentive to keep at it," Jane suggested, half-lost in his own search for a solution.

"It is that," Abbott agreed, clearly also lost in thought. Suddenly, he sat up straight, and faced Jane head-on. "Jane, I think you should know, in the last day-and-a-half, Lisbon's made at least two casual comments about openings on other teams."

The meandering thoughts in Jane's brain froze.

"Just small talk about people she's heard are transferring out, at this point," Abbott assured the other man, taking note of the panic on the consultant's face. Even if Lisbon and Jane were technically keeping their relationship discreet, it wasn't hard to see. And Dennis Abbott had noticed that lately there appeared to be a bit of trouble in paradise (he could guess why). "I'm not even sure she was consciously aware of what she was saying. I'm fairly certain she's not thinking about transferring right now, but I do think she's thinking about a lot of things, considering her options. Maybe considering whether she can continue to work with you, as things change."

Jane didn't speak.

Abbot leaned forward and decided to lay it all on the table. He was their boss, but he also genuinely _liked_ both of them (for all that Jane could be a pain in the ass sometimes). "Look, I can't emphasize enough how much don't want to get in the middle of anything that may or may not be going on, but a word of advice from someone who's done some of the things she has?"

Jane was watching his boss cautiously, not sure where this conversation was going. "Sure."

Abbot chose his words carefully. "Someone who's run their own team and raised several younger siblings isn't going to adjust quickly to being the one... looked after."

Jane's mouth tightened. "Well, she's going to have to get used to that." Because he was going to look after Teresa Lisbon, whether she liked it or not.

Abbott smiled to himself. That response had hardly been unexpected. "You know Jane, I'm your supervisor. I make executive decisions about what cases we take, about personnel, about who does what, about resources to prioritize. I'm prioritizing you. That's our deal. I know it; you know it; _Lisbon_ knows it. That's the hard decision, the ones that we supervising agents get paid the big bucks to make. You're_ both_ assets to the team, but if it comes right down to it, I'd keep you over Lisbon, and I've got a piece of paper with both our signatures on it to prove it."

Jane clenched his hands into fists under the desk. The decision was hardly as cut and dried as that. In fact, he'd make it damn difficult, if Abbott chose to press the point. "She's my partner."

Abbott's face turned suddenly serious. "Is she? _Partners_ collaborate. _Supervisors_ designate."

Jane went completely still.

Abbot paused to let his words sink in before continuing. "You didn't treat her like a partner. Not if my suspicions about what really happened a few days ago on the Bittaker case are correct. And if they are, I also can't fault her for exploring her options. Hell, I'd probably be doing exactly the same thing, in her shoes. We all have things we need to think about sometimes. You included."

Jane didn't know what to say. He hadn't... he... She was his partner. _She was_. In every way.

He shook his head.

"I know you care for her, and that scares you. I can't say I wouldn't have had the urge to do the same thing," Abbot continued. "But caring for her doesn't give you the right to control her, Jane. Not even if your intentions or good. Find a compromise, something that you can _both_ live with."

Abbott glanced back at the photo on his desk. "That's what relationships are all about, after all."

Jane's heart was racing. "Yeah," he muttered. "But they're not easy."

"But you didn't think they would be?" Abbot asked slyly.

Jane shook his head slowly. He _hadn't_ thought their relationship would be easy. But then it _had been_. Mostly. So easy, and so wonderful, and so _right._ They'd had their fights, but mostly it had been basically amazing. Up until two days ago, when it had been like running into a concrete wall that had suddenly appeared in a field of flowers. And instead of getting a ladder, they were both stuck staring at the wall.

Jane stood up abruptly. "I should head out."

"Yeah," Abbott agreed, hoping the consultant had finally had some sense knocked into him. Abbott wasn't sure how much more of the two of them moping around the office he could stand. "I've got a few things to finish up here. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Dennis," Jane said absently, his mind already on other things (other people).

"Goodnight, Jane," Abbott replied evenly. He lowered his voice once the consultant was out of the room, "Good luck."

xxx

As soon as he was something resembling a respectable distance from Abbott's office, Jane's pace picked up considerably.

He needed to find her.

He wasn't entirely sure what he was going to say, but he needed to find her all the same.

Because it was all very well and good to say that the two of them were going to work this out (and they were, they _were)_, but resolution was unlikely to happen without a conversation or two.

Or however many it took to figure this out.

He missed her. He always missed her when she wasn't around.

It was how, when he was away, he'd known he had to come back.

He just, he cared about her. He wasn't trying to control her, he _wasn't, _but he cared about her.

And she had to let him care about her. She just, she _had to_.

Surely they could figure something out.

xxx

Lisbon was occupying herself with dusting, _dusting._

But she needed to do something. At least dusting felt productive.

And it was better than finding her boyfriend and asking him if he'd leave her if she refused to give up the FBI.

She sighed.

Maybe it wasn't so cut and dried as that, but Lisbon couldn't help feeling like Jane (whether he realized it or not) had made all sorts of decisions in that big brain of his about how their, her, life would go, and she just hadn't been consulted. Like he'd gotten lost in some sort of fantasy world (which is what the first few months with Jane had actually kinda felt like), and now he, they, couldn't adjust to reality.

She wanted a reality with him. She really, really did.

It was just, she'd been over it and over it in her head, and she wasn't sure she could leave the FBI.

Maybe she could leave the team. It wouldn't be as fun, because she loved her team, and depending on where she transferred, the job might not be as satisfying. But it might be easier. She might be able to commit to it the way she needed to. She wouldn't have to worry about Jane sabotaging her career to keep her out of danger and Jane wouldn't have to personally watch her walk into danger.

He'd just have to trust that she could handle herself.

Lisbon's fingers clenched around the duster. What if he couldn't trust that she could handle herself?

She couldn't think about that.

After all, maybe she wouldn't need to leave the team.

Maybe Jane would realize he wasn't being reasonable.

Maybe, _maybe,_ there were a few situations where they could compromise about what exactly her role would be on a given case. Maybe she didn't _always_ have to be right out in front with her vest and gun.

But Jane didn't get to just _decide_ that.

She was an FBI agent, had been a Sherriff, a CBI agent and a police officer before that. The title changed, but she'd always been a cop. She was a cop. It was who she was. She caught bad guys, and locked them away.

And now it felt like Jane was trying to put her in a cage. A really comfortable one with a different name, but a cage all the same.

Lisbon knew why. Of course she knew why. But that didn't make it feel any better.

She _hated_ that she was worrying him. She _hated_ that she was causing him pain. Part of her even hated that she couldn't be a normal woman with a normal job that wouldn't cause him all this extra worry.

But she wasn't sure she could do what he was ask... no, _telling_ her.

Lisbon ran a hand over her face.

Screw dusting. They needed to talk.

Or she could always just jump him again.

The memory made her smile. She'd been getting ready for bed last night, telling herself that they'd figure this out, when suddenly she'd just _known_ that she shouldn't be sleeping alone.

After that, her course of action had been simple.

She'd expected to find Jane still awake when she got to the airstream. Not that she'd begrudged him the rest, or minded waking him. His eyes shifting from sleepy to intensely focused in the space of a heartbeat had been one of the most arousing things she'd ever seen. His hands digging into her hips had made her feel better than a whole day of goddamn consideration and politeness.

Shaking her head to clear it, Lisbon glanced at the clock. Based on the pattern they'd been setting, it was Jane's turn to come seek her out, but he probably wouldn't arrive for hours yet.

And she was not okay with that.

She didn't just want him to come and hold her after she was asleep (even if there was seduction involved).

She didn't want a temporary fix. She wanted more. She wanted to actually _talk_ to him.

They'd have to talk eventually (even if she still had no idea what she was going to say).

She wanted... she wanted to _see_ him, to _be_ with him.

He was, he was her _boyfriend._

Lisbon bit down a sudden sob, her memory flashing to her niece's christening, and to her brothers giving Jane the seal of approval, and teasing her not to screw this relationship up.

Barely two weeks later and look at her now. She'd probably surpassed even her brother's expectations of her ability to make a mess of her love life.

She hadn't wanted to make a mess of things this time. Not with Jane. And it hurt that she felt like maybe she had.

She missed the man who made her feel special and safe and, and loved.

She missed having someone to laugh with, to talk to, to be with. She missed his goddamn smile.

She just missed Jane.

So maybe she would go and find him. Try and start a conversation, try and get through this (he'd _promised her_ they'd get through this).

Screw tact.

Lisbon raised her chin a fraction of an inch, suddenly determined. She'd been avoiding the issue for days because she had no idea what to say to fix it, but that stopped now.

She had some of it straight in her head, maybe not all of it, but enough to at least _start_ a conversation.

Who knows, maybe Jane would have some of it straight in _his_ head by now.

Maybe between them they had all of it.

Or maybe they didn't, but she couldn't stand the status quo anymore.

She was terrified, but at least a conversation would be _something._

Vaguely comforted by the idea of having a tangible plan, Lisbon got up off her couch, determined to seek out her boyfriend.

Then she heard a familiar knock on her door.

Heart beating fast, Lisbon decided to take it as a good sign that apparently Jane had come to seek her out first.

xxx

The door opened slowly.

"We need to talk," Jane said quietly, when she came into view.

"Yeah we do," Lisbon agreed, her hands fidgeting by her sides.

"Can I come in?" Jane asked.

"Of course." Lisbon smiled tentatively. "You could have used your key."

Jane felt his heart skip a beat in surprise. "I felt like I should give you the option of saying no."

"I was never gonna say no," Lisbon muttered into the door as she closed it behind them. A new weight settled in her stomach. Jane thought she might not want him around? That was... that was _awful._ Reaching for his hand, Lisbon led him into the living room, deciding it would be a better place than the entryway for a conversation.

Jane sent her a half-smile as he followed her further into her house. It didn't last. He dropped her hand in the centre of the living room. "So let's just get right to it. Just tear off the band-aid so to speak. Quick and efficient," he added, continuing to ramble. "You're angry with me for trying to protect you."

The phrasing was surprising, though Lisbon wasn't sure why. She spun to face him. "I'm mad at you for preventing me from doing my job," she countered.

"And I'm sorry you feel that way..." Jane assured her.

If Lisbon had been surprised before, she was shocked now. "_Sorry I feel that way!?"_

"But I can't not protect you," Jane continued, a sickly feeling in his stomach informing him that the conversation was already going badly. He tried not to pace. "I can't not do everything in my power to keep you from harm. That's the bottom line."

"That's the bottom line? God, why are we even having this conversation at all if that's your position?" Lisbon asked, waving an arm in the air to relieve her feelings.

"Look..." Jane knew this wasn't going well, but he couldn't stop. Couldn't stop anything. Not the panic. Not the wrong words. Not the nightmares filled with gunshots and bullet holes.

"That's not a conversation, Jane," Lisbon shot back. "That's an ultimatum!"

Jane shook his head violently. "No, it..."

But Lisbon had all of a sudden remembered why she'd been so angry with him in the first place. She took a step towards him. "Yes it is! Dress it up however you like, but you've just decided that you can't watch me get hurt, so you're going to prevent me from doing my job."

"Now who's dressing things up?" Jane demanded, irritated that she'd gone straight to the extreme. So what if he had decided he never wanted to see her hurt? Maybe his methods hadn't been ideal, but his reasons had been good. And he'd never intended to prevent her from doing anything.

"Just stating the same thing another way," Lisbon said, suddenly dangerously calm as they faced off across her coffee table. "You've decided that because you care about me, you get to decide for me how my life goes."

"Your life?" Jane asked, incredulous. "It was _one case!"_

Lisbon didn't back down. Because as long as Jane couldn't see anything wrong with what he'd done, it would never only be one case. If she'd thought it would only be one case, she probably could have let it slide. But it wouldn't be. "So far! Where does it stop? Nowhere, as far as I can tell. Not when you don't even see a problem."

Jane sighed, and tried to get his emotions under control. "Of course it's a problem. We both know that."

"Yeah," Lisbon agreed. "But I'm pretty sure we have different ideas of what the problem actually is!"

Jane felt the panic rising in his chest all over again. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I don't _ever_ want to lose you."

Lisbon's shoulders dropped. She reminded herself that she needed to tread carefully here. "I know," she said quietly, reaching out a hand to rub his forearm in comfort. She tried to maintain her calm, but her control was shaky at best. Because it was a fear she understood all too well. She wasn't the only one who'd been in danger over the years. But once the words started, they were hard to stop. _"I know that._ You think it doesn't scare me? Something happening to either one of us? Losing you terrifies me. It always has. _Always_. I know the stakes are higher now, for obvious reasons. I know that. It's not that I don't..." She swallowed. "It's not that I'm not... I just... My job is always going to involve some degree of physical danger, Jane."

Jane felt himself getting angry. Now it was his turn to step forward and grab her elbow. "And I'm just supposed to accept that? Now who's issuing ultimatums?"

Lisbon shook her head, trying to find the words to explain. This conversation wasn't going the way she'd wanted it to (though it was pretty much what she'd expected). "My job is dangerous, and if I can't do it well... I just..." She swallowed and started again. "My job is dangerous, but so is life. So is walking down the street and driving and meeting new people, and..."

Jane shook his head again. Her job was nothing like _driving down the street. _ "Lisbon, it's not..."

But Lisbon felt like she finally had a handle on what she wanted to say. "Let me finish. All of life's a risk. Sure, the FBI is more of a one, but Jane, I've been looking after people my whole life. I don't think I can just turn that off. Even if I wanted to. Even if I quit my job tomorrow, I don't think that would fix the problem. Not really. Because I... I'd still want to protect people." She smiled slightly. "Think of all the times I've protected you over the years."

Jane's brain was suddenly filled with a slideshow of images of Lisbon putting herself between him and danger. Between him, between her team, between witnesses or even suspects, between anyone and a threat. And Jane knew she was right. The impulse to shield others was as much a part of her as her smile or her love of leather jackets.

Lisbon's next words confirmed his suspicions. "If I was at the store and I saw a robbery and I thought I could stop it and save someone else without too much risk, I would try to do that. Even if I didn't work for the FBI. I'm not going to suddenly stop trying to protect people. That's part of who I am. I'm smart about it, and I know what I'm doing, but I can't guarantee that I'll ever stop..."

"Trying to save people?" Jane suggested, his eyes fixed on hers.

Lisbon nodded, and tried not to flinch under his gaze.

Jane didn't blink. "What about someone trying to save you?"

Lisbon felt like she'd hit upside the head by a two-by-four.

Jane took a step closer to her, wrapping a hand around her waist. He didn't like that she looked shocked by the concept. "Teresa..."

"I didn't need saving two days ago," she hated that her voice shook. But it was true. She hadn't been in trouble, hadn't been in over her head. She'd been doing her job. She wasn't saying there wouldn't be a time when she might need saving, but that time hadn't been two days ago.

Jane gritted his teeth. "Protecting then. Ignoring the issue with your work for a moment..."

Lisbon glared at him. "The issue with my work is the point!"

"Are you ever going to be okay with someone overriding your decision?" Jane demanded. "With someone pushing you out of the way of a bullet and trying to take the blow for you? With shielding you from pain? Are you ever going to be okay with not being in control? With being vulnerable enough, letting someone in enough to be the one who's comforted? With letting yourself be protected?"

Jane could accept that she hadn't liked his methods. He still wasn't sure they were wrong. But if he could somehow manage to reconcile himself to her job – and maybe he could, or more accurately, maybe he'd have to – then she'd have to get used to the fact that he wanted to take care of her. That he _would_ take care of her. She'd taken care of everyone and everything all her life, and now he just wanted to make sure she got the same treatment.

Lisbon felt her heart slowly shatter. She'd been trying to... Every day it was a struggle. Every goddamn day. But she really had been trying. And she had managed to open up some parts of herself. But what if she was moving too slowly? What if it wasn't enough? What if it was never enough? What if she always held a part of herself separate?

What if she could never be what he needed?

She could feel the tears pooling in her eyes. She dropped her head to her chest to try to hide them. But of course Jane saw them anyway.

And then his arms were around her, and she'd wrapped her own arms around is shoulders and buried her face into his chest.

"Teresa..." Jane murmured. "I just want to take care of you I just want to make sure you're okay, and make sure you're happy, and..." He sighed against her hair.

"I know," she whispered. "And that's not something I'm used to..."

"You should try and..." Jane started to say.

"It's not something I'm used to," Lisbon continued. "And maybe I need to get better at it, but it's also not something you can do all the time."

Jane frowned. "What?"

She looked up, and wiped her eyes. "You can't do it all the time," Lisbon told him. "You can't protect me all the time. Especially not at work. Not if what happened two days ago is your version of protection. That certainly didn't make me happy."

Jane stepped back. "I..."

Lisbon felt certainty building inside of her. As much as part of her thrilled at the idea that he might want to be there for her (even as part of her didn't quite trust it, and didn't quite trust that it could be real). "You can't protect anyone _all_ of the time," she told him. "It's too much."

Jane started to object, but couldn't find any words. Maybe... maybe there weren't any.

Lisbon squared her shoulders and stepped back out of his arms. "And in your mind, you're unilaterally deciding what I need to be protected from. And that's not okay, for so many reasons. Let's say, just for the sake of argument, that this time you were right. I don't think you were, but let's pretend. Where are the lines? Am I not allowed to work on cases involving known cop-killers? Cases with snipers? Or should I just stay away from all serial killers as a matter of course? A decision that would be seriously ironic, by the way. But then, maybe I should just take myself off any and all cases where I might be asked to protect other people's lives with my own. Am I allowed to interview suspects only if they're previously vetted by you and deemed to be harmless? Can I only go out in the field with you or agents you trust? Should I try and confine myself to my desk as much as possible?"

Jane's heart started beating far too fast again. He wasn't trying to control her life. He _wasn't. _He... he... She needed to be okay. "Lisbon, you're being ridiculous."

"Am I?" she wondered. She was fairly sure that she wasn't. Because he was _Patrick Jane. _"You're _really good_ at manipulating things. And not just me, but situations. Two days ago, you manipulated the world around me. You designed the plan, and then you arranged things so that I had to follow the path that you set for me. From the first moment, you had complete control, and I was a chess piece you could move around at will. And I get it. You manipulate people. I _know you_. I knew what i was getting into when we started this." She paused, trying to gather her thoughts, and this time Jane didn't interrupt. "I guess... I guess I just thought it wouldn't extend to my job. I guess I thought you would know how important..." She swallowed, trying to keep her voice from breaking. "I guess I thought you knew me too."

The sudden pain in Jane's chest was almost overwhelming. He _did_ know her. It was how he'd known how angry she'd be. It was why he'd been avoiding this conversation. It was why... why he was desperately trying to find a solution. Because he couldn't bear that she thought that he'd just disregarded her feelings in favour of his own. "I panicked."

Lisbon shook her head slowly, feeling suddenly defeated. "If you had panicked, I think you would have questioned the decision afterwards. But you said you'd do exactly the same thing a second time."

"We can work this out?" Jane said softly, horrified to realize it had come out like a question.

Lisbon heard the uncertainty too. Her eyes re-filled with tears. "How?"

"I don't know, but we will," Jane assured her, his voice still shaking. The words had been his mantra for the past few days. They would work it out. They had to.

Lisbon's anger had drained out of her. Now she just felt tired and sad. "Seriously Jane, I've been thinking about this for _days_, and I don't think I can just give up my job, a least I don't think if I can give up law enforcement. And if I did, I'd be worried I'd resent you for it."

"I didn't ask you to give up your job," Jane reminded her.

Lisbon laughed mirthlessly. "No, you just made sure I couldn't do it properly."

Her words were a knife to the chest. "Teresa..."

"Maybe it's not fair, but right now I'm not sure I trust you enough to go out in the field with you," she added.

"Lisbon..." Jane whispered, something inside him feeling like it was trying to rip him apart from the inside out.

"Teammates have to trust each other to be able to do their jobs. That's the only way law enforcement works. And a few days ago, you didn't trust me to do mine." And she'd felt betrayed by the choice, utterly betrayed, whatever his reasons.

"You're not just my teammate," Jane said quietly

Lisbon smiled sadly. "I know. And maybe I shouldn't be your teammate at all. Maybe it would be easier with a little distance."

But that suggestion didn't make Jane feel any better, for all its practicality. "I love working with you."

Lisbon smiled a little more genuinely. "And I love working with you, most of the time. But if I'm going to work with you, I need to know that you won't shield me from dangerous situations."

"FBI Agents get each other out of dangerous situations all the time, if they move beyond an acceptable level of risk," Jane reminded her angrily.

"I need to know that you'd only protect me the way you'd protect anyone else on the team, then," Lisbon amended. "I need to know that if our boss has approved my part in a plan, you won't try to change it because you think my job's too dangerous.

"I..." Jane swallowed. "It's not that logically I don't understand what you're saying..."

Lisbon nodded. "_I know._ You think I liked seeing you go in undercover with dangerous criminals a few months ago? You think I never struggle with this? I do. But I also don't decide that you _can't_ do those things. Because they're you're job. Just like sometimes they're my job."

"But I..." Jane swallowed. It didn't matter how much sense her points made, is brain just kept circling around to one thing. "If something ever happened to you..."

Lisbon straightened her spine, and decided to just lay it all out there. "The thing is Jane, I'm so sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am, but I can't live in a bubble because you've lost people you loved before."

The pain came first, quick and fast.

Next came anger, but that flared out surprisingly quickly.

Then Jane's brain just stalled, as her words took hold. That wasn't what he wanted. That single thought sliced through the panic in his brain. _That wasn't what he wanted._ There was something important there, but it was just out of reach. He needed to think. He needed distance. He needed to sort.

He glanced at the woman across from him, who appeared to be bracing herself for impact.

"You're right," Jane murmured.

The shock in Lisbon's body language would have been endearing under other circumstances.

"You're right," he said softly. "But you're also wrong. That wasn't what I was trying to... I never meant to... I need to keep you safe, I'll always need that, but..."

He shook his head. "I need to go for a walk."

The hope that had been building in Lisbon's chest suddenly deflated. "Right."

But Jane had been down this route once before, and it hadn't gone entirely well. At least he'd learned from his mistakes.

He stepped forward and caressed her cheek, stroking his thumb along her cheekbone. He shook his head. "It's good, Lisbon. You were right, but not entirely, and there's something, something there that's I can't quite... I want to think about I. I don't want to rush through this and accidentally say... something that just hurts us both. We haven't, well, we've both needed time to think about this. I just need a little bit more."

Lisbon watched him, feeling hopeful for the first time in days. But she wasn't quite sure she could trust it.

Jane seemed to realize that, because he continued to reassure. "I need to walk. I need to clear my head. And just so we're clear, I'm suggesting that we shelve this for an hour, two at the most. Because I will be back tonight," Jane added. They were apparently terrible at spending their nights apart anyway, and he saw no reason to break that particular pattern now. "And we're gonna continue to have this out. And we are going to work it out. Because Teresa, let me be perfectly clear, the way things stand, I could maybe see my way 'round to accepting a few things. Losing you isn't one of them." Then stepping forward, he buried his hands in her hair and kissed her thoroughly. When he pulled back, his voice was husky. "Have I made my position clear, love?"

Lisbon watched him for a moment, her eyes wide. Then stretched up on her does and kissed him back just as ferociously.

"Perfectly."

Jane leaned his forehead against hers. "Good, good."

xxx

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sigh. So obviously I didn't get this finished before tonight's episode. Which yeah, that happened. Totally preparing to be seriously annoyed with this show for the choices it is probably about to make. I suppose my biases are showing, but frankly, I can't bring myself to care. And I didn't change the fic to try and reflect canon. Because, no.

I hope you enjoy this little alternate version of events.

Chapter 3

xxx

His mind racing, Jane wandered down streets that were rapidly becoming familiar to him. He hoped Lisbon's neighbourhood would become even more familiar as time went on.

He glanced around at the average-looking houses, probably filled with average families. Right now, the street was quiet, a bubble of calm.

She couldn't live in a bubble.

Jane sighed.

Jane knew that Lisbon liked having her little refuge to come home to at the end of the day, but Jane had also worked enough murder cases to know that as quiet as this street looked, it wasn't necessarily safe. Not completely safe, anyway.

He shivered.

Nothing was completely safe. He'd _never_ be able to make her completely safe.

And even if he could, Lisbon would hate it.

He knew that. And now that he'd had it shoved in his face, he was forced to admit that even if Lisbon did choose him over her job (and he probably didn't deserve her if he forced that choice on her), she would still resent him, probably more than she knew.

And why shouldn't she? She'd worked hard to get where she was, and she'd given up a lot for him already.

He'd _never_ be able to make her safe.

Not because she craved danger, but because she'd never be able to sit back and leave the hard stuff to everyone else. He loved that about her. She was so strong. He loved that about her too.

And the world wasn't safe. Not completely.

So, if he was going to love her, he was going to have to be open to an element of risk

If he was going to love her (if he was going to love _anyone_ again), he was going to have to acknowledge the fresh pain it might bring, along with all of the good things.

He couldn't curtail the risk without... curtailing her.

Jane could see Lisbon opening new parts of herself to him almost every day. The idea that she could close them off again...

Jane picked up his pace until he was almost speed-walking down the sidewalk.

He didn't want to lose her, any part of her.

He couldn't clip her wings. She was too glorious when she flew.

And if he cut out the cop, he might cut out a significant part of the woman.

The woman he was so deeply in love with, it scared him.

Jane ran a hand through his hair, stopping abruptly in his frantic power-walk. He was alive again. He wasn't shutting out the world. And he needed to get re-used to the concept of having something to lose.

That was what terrified him the most.

But he'd need to do it. If he was going to maintain a relationship over time, he'd need to do it.

Well, he wanted a relationship, this relationship, so he'd have to figure it out. That was all there was to it.

He wasn't sure what level of risk was acceptable. Maybe that was something they'd need to figure out. In the end, the level of risk might be a bit higher than he'd have liked. But maybe it would be lower than Lisbon wanted. He didn't know. There were some things he'd never be able to accept. He'd never be able to let her walk into near-certain death, but then, maybe she wouldn't be willing to do that anyway (and surely the FBI wasn't in the habit of sending agents into situations that were _that_ risky).

And while Jane hadn't liked the risk involve with the Bittaker case, he'd been the one to come up with the plan. Maybe there was something to be said for not suggesting the most dangerous plans. After all, if he thought a plan was too dangerous for Lisbon, maybe it was too dangerous for everyone. She'd said he needed to treat her like any member of the team. Surely she couldn't fault him for wanting to keep the entire team safe?

The Bittaker case had been a bit of a special case, but maybe in the future there would be alternative solutions. Maybe he could come up with plans that were a little bit safer, but took a little longer.

Jane realized he'd have to give that idea some thought.

He'd still have to accept the idea that he could lose Lisbon (because she was right, there was any number of things that could happen to her, most of which didn't bear thinking about).

Jane wasn't sure he'd be very good at it. He doubted he'd change overnight. He'd need time to adjust. Lisbon would need to be patient with him.

She was often patient with him, though.

And strong enough to hold firm against even his stubbornness (he'd always known he needed that, needed someone who wasn't scared to disagree with him or call him out when he pushed too far).

Strong enough that he should have known Teresa Lisbon would never ever just _accept_ his clumsy attempts to protect her.

Jane sat down on a bench. Lisbon would never be dictated to. Never.

His methods had been all wrong. Particularly since his goal was an impossibility

Maybe there was a solution to their problem, but she was right. He didn't get to decide what that solution was. They'd have to find it together.

She was his _partner_.

_His partner_.

In pretty much every way.

A shiver ran up Jane's spine. Because professionally, Lisbon was his partner for the time being, but maybe not always. What had she said? That... that she wasn't sure she could trust him in the field anymore?

Jane dropped his head in his hands.

They worked together in an extremely dangerous job, and now Lisbon didn't think she could trust him. Which would only serve to _increase_ the level danger.

Because she was worried he didn't trust her to do her job.

The woman, who, for _years, _was the only one he'd trusted with Red John. Her and her team, but only because they were _her_ team. The woman he'd trusted with secrets he hadn't trusted anyone else with, _because_ she was so good at her job.

He'd caused her to doubt.

No... No, no, no, no, no.

Springing down the block, Jane was halfway down the block before his brain caught up with his feet. But once it did, his entire body was in violent agreement.

Back.

He needed to go back.

It was time for round two.

When he reached her door, Jane didn't hesitate. Never let it be said that Patrick Jane didn't learn from his mistakes.

He slid his key into the lock.

xxx

Lisbon was curled up on her couch with a mystery novel and a glass of wine.

She'd given up on the dusting.

For one, she was emotionally exhausted, for another, she really hated dusting.

And for a third, she couldn't flitter around her house anxiously for an hour. So she was relaxing.

Because things were going to be _fine._

He'd _promised_ her.

And that promise was what was helping Lisbon cling to her sanity.

As opposed to obsessing about whether or not she could ever open herself up to Jane in the way he seemed to need.

It would mean opening herself up to a world of hurt. If she lowered her defences completely, and she let him take care of her, and then he was gone again... It would hurt.

Lisbon shut her eyes. It would really, really hurt. But it would hurt anyway, because he already meant so much for her.

Couldn't he see that? Just because she didn't need him to stand between her and a bullet... but she...

Lisbon took a sip of her wine and shook her head, slightly. They'd have to talk about that.

When he came back.

Turning back to her book, Lisbon tried to focus on something other than the worries bouncing around her brain.

Just as she was getting lost in the story, she was distracted by the sound of her front door unlocking.

She could feel her heart rate increase as she turned towards her front door to see Jane slip through it.

He smiled when he saw her, and the fury in his mind stilled a little. She made quite a picture, curled up on the couch. And now that he'd sorted through some of the mess in his head...

Lisbon smiled too. "You're back."

"I am," Jane agreed. "Ended up walking faster than I was expecting to. On par with my thoughts I guess."

"Hmm," Lisbon hummed, hoping that was a good thing. She set down her book on the coffee table and held up her glass of wine. "You want a drink."

"Wouldn't mind one," Jane said as he walked towards her.

Lisbon started to get up, but Jane ran a hand along her shoulder. "No don't. Stay where you are. You look comfortable. I can get it." He paused. "After all, there's no need to treat me like a guest if I have a key, is there Teresa?"

He glanced at her when he heard her stifled gasp. She was staring at him, her heart in her eyes. "No," she whispered. "I guess not."

Jane nodded. "I'll be back in a minute then we'll talk."

"Okay," Lisbon agreed, with another swallow of wine.

Jane came back with a glass and the bottle. He topped up Lisbon's glass before settling into the chair beside the couch. After taking a sip of his wine, he set it down on the table and leaned forward. "I need to say a few things to you, and it might take me a few minutes to..."

Lisbon touched her hand to his. "Okay."

Jane nodded. "The first one's the most important," he told her. "I think. They're all important, actually. But..." He shook his head. "I didn't ever mean to decide anything for you. It never even crossed my mind that that was what I was doing, which is my fault, but honestly, that was never my intention. Not really. I just, well, it was the most straightforward way of ensuring you were out of harm's way. And I wasn't thinking about taking away your ability to do your job either. When I said I panicked, I didn't mean that I panicked and made a split second decision that I regretted afterwards. I meant that I just got so caught up in my worry over your safety that the idea took over my brain, and I just knew I needed to keep you safe, whatever happened. Obviously, my methods for doing that weren't ideal."

Lisbon reached for his hand. "Jane..."

"And I want you to be able to trust me in the field," Jane assured her. "I _need_ you to be able to trust me in the field, without hesitation. So I am going to promise you, right here, right now, that I will never deliberately remove you from a situation simply because of our relationship, not without consulting you first."

Lisbon couldn't quite believe what was happening. She'd never expected him to... "Patrick..."

"Do you believe me? Tell me you believe me," Jane pleaded. _"Tell me you understand."_

"I understand," Lisbon whispered. "And I believe you. Of course I believe you. Of course I..."

She was about to say more, when he stopped her.

"There's more," Jane said, stroking his thumb over the back of her hand. "Just let me..."

"Sorry," she murmured, with another small smile. She was happy to let him speak. The way she was feeling, articulating words would have been something of a challenge anyway.

"S'okay," Jane said absently. He took a deep breath. "I also, I never meant to give you the impression that I didn't trust you to be able to do your job. To be honest, that never even occurred to me as a possibility. You're so good at your job, I mean, really, really phenomenal. Obviously. Why do you think I stuck it out so long in the beginning? You know how much I enjoy working with you, how much I enjoy watching you work. I mean, it's obvious how good you are. I've always seen that. And I've always known how much your job means to you, even if I haven't always agreed with that part. You know I think you're amazing. You have to know that know that..." Jane trailed off, when Lisbon let out a quiet sob, and dropped her head to his shoulder. Jane reached an arm around her waist. "You do, don't you?" he asked desperately.

Lisbon couldn't answer, just tried to take in big gulps of air. It was suddenly hard to breathe. She turned her face into his neck, taking comfort in the familiar scent of his cologne and tried to stop her body from shaking.

Jane leaned his head against hers, and tightened his arms around her. Sometimes he was an utter fool. How ha he never told her this? How had she not _known?_ "Oh Teresa, sweetheart, don't. Please don't."

"Shut up Jane," she choked out. "You can ask me not to say anything when you talk, but you don't get to ask me not to _feel_." She wanted to curl herself up and crawl into his arms.

Jane reached between them to take her hand.

Lisbon squeezed his fingers in her own. He couldn't let go. He just... not for another minute or so. She took a deep breath, not even caring that her voice was breaking all over the place. "You have _no idea..._ No one's ever said..." Then she lost the words and tried to convey her point by snuggling even closer. God damn it, why were they sitting on different pieces of furniture. It made things awkward.

Jane shut his eyes. Then, through sheer force of will, he pulled himself together. He turned and kissed her hair. "I think you're an amazing cop, Teresa Lisbon. I trusted you with Red John. If I'm ever in trouble again, there's no one else I'd rather have protecting me. I'd trust you with my life, or the life of anyone I cared about. I'd trust you with anything."

With a great heaving breath, Lisbon tried desperately to get herself some kind of control. She turned her head and started nuzzling kisses along his neck, moving to the edge of the couch cushion to get close enough to kiss him properly.

"Thank you," she whispered, when she pulled away a second later.

Jane tucked her hair behind her ear. "You're a force of nature, Agent Lisbon," he whispered.

She flushed and ducked her head.

Affection welled up in him. He stroked her hand for a moment before remembering how much was still left unsaid.

"I never meant to make you think I questioned your competence or your abilities, Teresa," he assured her. "And, well, next time I will talk to you about my panic first. We'll talk about it first."

Lisbon looked up abruptly.

Jane glanced down before taking courage and meeting her eyes again. "Because there will be a next time, won't there? You were right, even if I wanted to, I'd never be able to keep you safe. And I could never force you to give a job that you love, that's part of you."

Lisbon blinked, forcing her eyes clear. She was determined to keep her tears down. "I'd really like to talk about it first," she whispered. "As opposed to after the fact."

Jane nodded. "I love you. And I guess I can acknowledge that I'm going to have to accept some sort of level of risk to your safety, even if I really don't like it. I won't lie to you and say that I know what level of risk that is. I imagine that's something we'll have to work out between us over the next little while. But I do have a few conditions, or rather, I suppose a few things that are non-negotiable."

Lisbon froze.

Jane almost smiled. Agent Lisbon might not like conditions, but she was going to have to deal with these ones. "I will not, under any circumstances allow you to go into a situation that is almost certainly suicide. I agree that it's unlikely," he added, when she opened her mouth to object. "But I want to be very clear on that point. If there's ever anything that dangerous, I will not consider your opinion on the matter, and I will do everything in my power to get both of us out of us as far away as possible, possibly onto a plane to some sort of island paradise, the FBI be damned."

Lisbon watched him for a second. Then she swallowed. And after a moment's gut reaction to object on principle, she realized the condition was more than reasonable. After all, she'd never let him try anything that dangerous either. "If it really is a suicide mission," she said quietly. "I'll be helping you pack the getaway car."

Exhaling slowly, Jane relaxed. "Okay," he whispered.

Lisbon leaned forward. "I'm never that careless my own safety, Jane," she reminded him. "I can promise you that."

"I know," he assured her. "I just..."

"I know," Lisbon agreed, stroking his forearms in reassurance. She did understand that the idea of something happening to her terrified him. She would never take unnecessary risks.

"And while I will agree not to deliberately remove you from every situation which could be dangerous, if there is an imminent threat to your life, I will do everything in my power to protect you, whether it involves pushing you out of the path of a bullet or killing someone who is putting you in danger," Jane added.

"Ditto," Lisbon said firmly. "I'm not letting anyone shoot you either."

Jane paused. "I never expected anything less," he said after a moment.

Lisbon nodded.

Jane took a deep breath. "As to my other condition..."

Lisbon's hands stilled.

Jane shifted to take her hands in his before she could pull them away. "It excludes the FBI," he told her. "I can acknowledge that the rules are different there, for professional reasons. But outside of work, you need to understand that I _am _going to do everything in my power to protect you, and just generally try and make things better for you. I don't mean making decisions for you. I mean, I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to make dinner for you and buy you things that you don't need, but you want. And I'm going to be there when you need me, even if you think you don't. And I'm going to defend you, and stand by you, and just generally get rid of obstacles in your path. If Agent Lisbon wants to take care of the world, that's fine. I'm going to take care of my girlfriend, Teresa. That's non-negotiable."

Lisbon swallowed. "You want to take care of me?" she said slowly, turning the idea over on her tongue. The idea was... if she could let herself... _oh god_.

"Yeah," Jane whispered. "When you're not taking care of me."

Lisbon worried her lip between her teeth. "What if I said I might be okay with that?"

Jane watched her for a moment. "I'd be surprised and thankful."

"Patrick?" she whispered, angling her head to look up at him through fluttering eyelashes.

Jane told himself that the anticipation he could feel in his chest was ridiculous, but it didn't make any difference. "Yes, Teresa?"

"I'm okay with you taking care of me," she said. "I'm not sure I'll always be very good at it, but if you're going to work on being okay with letting me do my job, then I can definitely work at letting you take care of me."

Jane wasn't sure, but he was pretty sure his heart stopped beating. Just for a second. "That's all I ask," he whispered, reaching her hand up to kiss her knuckles. And he didn't release it afterwards. He needed the connection, desperately.

"And as for the risk thing," Lisbon started to say...

"It's probably going to take a while to figure out the details," Jane said, unwilling to discuss anything that might start an argument. Not right now, not when his heart genuinely felt like it might explode in his chest.

Lisbon nodded. "Yeah, but that's not... Jane, you can't do what you did two days ago," she told him. "You can't. I know you said you wouldn't, but I just want to say, that if you do, I'll change teams. I just want to be honest about that. I believe you when you say that you won't. And I trust you, and I'm happy to work with you. I mean that. I trust you completely. But I need you to know, because I think you will get the urge to break that promise at some point or another, that if you break it I'm going to have to reconsider our working arrangement. Because I can't work if I don't trust you to give me the best possible information in the field. I'm not saying I'd apply for a transfer without talking to you about it first. Because I think the whole talking about things first has to go both ways, but I need you to know that if you can't be honest with me in the field, then I can't work with you. Okay?"

Jane took a deep breath. "Okay," he told her. "It's not going to be easy for me though, though. There may be times I'll be unpleasant to live with. "

Lisbon shrugged. "I know that. I don't give a damn. And I know we'll argue about what level of anger reasonable. And I want you to know, that if there is ever a case where you have _genuine_ concerns about my safety, like above and beyond, I want you to know that I would consider taking a role behind the scenes, monitoring the comms from the van with Wiley or something. Not all the time. Probably less of the time than you'd like. And also if we discussed it first, not just you decided that my job was too dangerous that day, or..." She swallowed. "I want you to know that I' not completely disregarding your concerns. And I certainly don't want you to live in a perpetual state of anxiety. But you _can't_ go behind my back."

Jane grabbed Lisbon's other hand and began kissing her palms, her wrists, her fingers, one by one. "I get that. I swear I do," he assured her, in between kisses. "And I'll try... I'll try to keep your job in perspective."

"Good," Lisbon murmured. "Because this all sounds great in theory, but I have no idea how we'll decide how risky is too risky."

Jane shrugged. "We'll fight."

Lisbon stared at him. It wasn't the answer she'd been expecting. "What?"

"We'll fight it out," Jane explained. "Each time. Every time I screw up or you screw up or we do something that the other one hates. We'll fight. And I imagine it'll be really hard sometimes, but..."

"But it'll be worth it," Lisbon concluded. It was worth it now. So very worth it.

"More than worth it," Jane agreed. "I don't know exactly how it's going to work, but..."

Lisbon smiled. "I never liked things that were easy anyway. Not really."

"I never wanted to make you feel like you had to cut off pieces of yourself to fit into a mold I could live with," Jane said softly.

"_Oh."_ Lisbon could feel her insides dissolving into an almost painful pleasure.

"And I knew exactly what I was signing on for. I do get you. I love you. Difficult bits and all. Difficult, stubborn, self-sacrificing, noble..." Jane trailed off. He was out of words. And Lisbon had buried her face in his shoulder again.

Which she'd apparently decided was a good place to have a conversation from. "Jane..."

"Yeah?" he murmured, turning towards her ear.

"I never expected you to try and protect me at work," she confided. It was easier to tell him when she couldn't see him watching her. And she'd promised herself she'd try to tell him... And after all he'd said, she wanted to. She wanted to give him this.

Jane frowned. "What?"

"At work, at the CBI, it was always my job to protect you," Lisbon explained. "_Always_. You were crazy, and there was Red John. You'd do something insane and get yourself in some kind of trouble and rush in and save you. I'm not saying roles weren't reversed a handful of times by pure chance, but..." She looked up and tried to smile. "When we started at the FBI, Red John was gone, and you were less crazy, and I wasn't your boss, so there was less for me to worry about. But I still never expected you to try and physically protect me, is all I'm saying. But..."

Lisbon paused to get her emotions under control. She needed to be absolutely clear about this..

"Teresa?" Jane prompted.

She shut her eyes. "But since we started this, I may have started expecting you to bring me coffee every day, with a smile and a kiss. I may have started expecting you to be in my ear talking me through pretending to be a psychic in public. I may have started expecting you to arrange moments that were so romantic for a second I almost couldn't breathe. And I may have absolutely expected you to help me keep my baby brother out of jail."

Lisbon found herself crushed suddenly against Jane's chest, even as the movement pulled her off the couch.

She decided the couch would be more comfortable, so she leaned backwards, pulling them both towards the larger (roomier) piece of furniture. Once she was settled against his chest, Lisbon wrapped her arms around him. "When I heard Jimmy was in trouble, I wanted you to come with me so much, _so much,_ and I couldn't make the words come out to ask you. And then you _offered_," she said against his neck. "You just offered to come and deal with my messed up family. You had to know they'd be sizing you up at the same time, but you didn't even blink. And you were right beside me the whole time. And I was freaked out and upset. And... and you told me they didn't hate me. And I..." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I love you so much." Every fear an insecurity she'd ever had about her brothers or their families had been lurking under the surface, and Jane had just... he'd been there for her in a way that no one ever had. And the idea that he thought she never let him in...

Jane had wrapped his entire upper body around her by this point.

Lisbon let him surround her. "And I couldn't bear to lose that, to lose the only person I've risked letting in in over a decade. To lose you."

She started speaking faster and faster, trying to get the words out. "And I know I'm not good at... I know I don't say it, but I need you, don't you know that? Don't you know how much I... And if you want to stand by me when I go to visit my brothers, or push me out of the way of a bullet, that's fine. I can live with that. 'Cause I'm always gonna be standing next to you pushing you out of the way if you're the one they're shooting at. And I may need you to offer to come with me for all this stuff, because I'm not used to asking. An I never be use to asking. But that doesn't mean I don't want you there. That doesn't mean I don't _expect _you there. And..."

The rest of her rambling speech was cut off by a much more focused mouth.

Lisbon decided they could argue about the details later.

Right now she'd let him repair the cracks in her heart.

She stretched out, shifting until she was practically lying on top of him.

Jane managed to tear his mouth from hers for a moment; he slid his hands from where they'd been tangled in her hair to run them from her shoulders to her thighs. "I want to make love to you."

The shot of pure lust had Lisbon's head spinning. "I want to make this work," she whispered, arching up as he began to kiss her neck.

"We will," Jane promised in between kisses.

"Good, because you have no idea how much I want to fight with you," she murmured before kissing him.

Jane just grinned.

Lisbon smiled back, and it felt so good to be happy again. "You know how you accused me of trying to protect everyone and everything?"

Jane looked mildly concerned, by the shift in conversation away from furher kissing. "Teresa..."

"You do know that this thing between us is on that list?" Lisbon asked, her hands stroking anything she could reach. "High on that list."

And with that, Jane decided to forgive the brief introduction. "S'pretty much the _only_ thing on my list," Jane muttered, his mind more focused on unbuttoning her blouse by that point.

"Jane..."

"Don't worry," he promised. "I won't throw the rest of the team to the wolves."

Lisbon smirked. "Wasn't worried," she assured him, before kissing him again.

Jane kissed her back. Then, while he had her distracted, he rolled them both, until she was underneath him. Bracing his forearms on either side of her, he pulled back to look at her. It was mindboggling that only a day before he'd felt like he was on the edge of losing everything. And now... "You have no idea how good I feel, no idea."

Lisbon cupped his face with her hands. Foolish man. "Yes, yes _I do._"

Jane kissed her again. "Maybe we should fight more often."

Lisbon smiled. "We're _going_ to fight more often, remember?"

Jane fell back into her, his mouth finding hers. He was looking forward to it.

xxx

The end

A/N 2: The thing is, I knew this was never going to happen. I knew that. But I admit, I have this foolish hope that just once the show wouldn't make the deciding factor, Jane and his emotional damage. I know it's probably a foolish hope. Le sigh.


End file.
